From the moment we had the idea of you, we wanted you.
You came to us in India, our happy place, on our first wedding anniversary.
Finding out you were growing inside of me was one of the best days of my life.
Finding out you wouldn’t survive, was the worst.
Just because no one met you doesn’t mean you didn’t matter; you did & you do.
You were our first son, a first grandson, a nephew, a cousin.
In those weeks I carried you we loved you enough for a lifetime.
We dreamed so many dreams of you and planned a future filled with you.
We called you Pablo, ‘little one’ believing we had precious months to choose your name.
We saw you kicking in my belly,
We heard your heartbeat strong and true…
But it wasn’t meant to be sweet boy, so God took us away from you.
They told us you were broken, that you never could survive.
They told us ‘try again’ while my heart shattered inside.
Then we held your tiny body as you embraced forever sleep,
A coffin rather than a crib, whilst all I did was weep.
Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Father George said we gave you wings, I pray that is true.
Many (most) don’t understand the magnitude of our loss,
Think that pregnancy can be replaced with no emotional cost, Some told us we were lucky to find out early on,
That you were made for Heaven & not Earth, our little one.
Why must I apologize for feeling so much pain?
Why should I hide my grief and pretend I’m whole again?
Is it strange that your garden is a happy place for me?
A place where I can care for you and show you Mummy loves you.
Not with cuddles and stories, but flowers and trinkets, pruning and weeding, creating a safe space as beautiful as you.
I have breast fed your brothers and changed their nappies beside your garden,
They have taken their first wobbly steps in front of your resting place.
So many picnics eaten next to you over the years,
Each Easter, birthday, Christmas celebrated with new decorations for you.
Today I will make extra room for remembering & look at your photos & remember your tiny face, your hands, your feet.
My mind races with questions; are you still a baby in Heaven even though you are 9 years an Angel today? Or are you growing up like your brothers under the watchful eye of the other Angels?
My tears sting but I am glad and I am grateful Pablo,
Losing you meant that I did not doubt for one second that I should fight to continue my pregnancy with Henry, despite my cancer diagnosis. Would I have been as brave if I had not experienced losing you? I don’t think so.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sending us your brothers Leo & Henry, for making us whole again, for shining your light on us, our Guardian Angel.
God bless you baby boy, our Pablo, our first born.
Until we see you again
25 June 2010 – Forever carried in our hearts