Back from the Brink

Hello again 🙂

So I think I’m finally getting my mojo back 💖 After many weeks wrestling with my bipolar, lost in clouds of black and unable to get any pleasure out of photography or writing, I can finally feel my passion and confidence creeping back. This week I took my sons to Petworth Park in Sussex. We spent a few happy hours tracking the wild deer, getting muddy, imagining fairy folk living under the colourful toadstools and delivering Halloween party invitations on behalf of Fangus the Bat as part of a Halloween trail.
I should have known that nature and our great outdoors would lead me back to sanity but when you’re in the grip of manic depression all you want to do is hide from the World.

Goodbye to Vodka

Usually when I’m struggling with my mental health I prop myself up with a bottle of vodka, literally. Vodka and I go way back. Vodka has seen me through a succession of traumas and has been a loyal companion at parties which (being Autistic) I tend to hate unless I’m wearing my trusty vodka jacket. But during my most recent bout of depression I attended my brother in laws 40th (under duress) and was passed out on the coach by 7.30pm having offended a great many people and kneed my husband’s very lovely uncle in his nether regions (I do not remember this and I’m still cringing about it even as I write). So after a night sleeping in the bathtub while my husband looked after the boys I realized Vodka had to go. For good. In part because of the humiliation I felt after the party but mostly because I had a realization that I have to start respecting my body more, especially as my body has fought cancer and should be nurtured not pickled if I want to stop it coming back.

Fresh start

So here I am almost 7 weeks stone cold sober. That’s the longest I’ve been sober since I was pregnant with H. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it. I wish I could say I felt healthier for it…I’m sure that bit is still to come. The truth is I’m spotty, in constant pain with my dodgy knees and overweight from comfort eating. But I feel really proud of myself for breaking the reliance on alcohol, which started when I was 17 and began drinking to cope with social situations.
I can’t emphasize enough how healing it can be to connect with nature and I’ve definitely felt my ‘selfness’ coming back during a few sunset visits to the beach and my recent expedition to Petworth. I’ve also got a new psychiatrist and some increased medication to thank for getting me back on the straight and narrow. But most of all, I want to thank my lovely husband for his love and support and for bringing me back from bipolar land. N, these photos are for you. xxxxxxx

2 thoughts on “Back from the Brink

  1. Not going to lie…not going to be easy girl but take it one breath, one heartbeat at a time xxx here for you

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    1. Thank you so much Dawn. It’s been a really lonely and desperate period and the worst bit is I know I’ll likely be back in that dark place in the coming months, because that’s the cycle of bipolar 2. But right now I feel good, I’m making good choices and I’m able to enjoy life which is all I can ask for really xx

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