Say it with a Song

My recent blog post ‘The Art of Being Different’ explores my frustration at being judged and misunderstood for simply trying to be my true and authentic self, an Autistic female with a pick and mix of mental health problems and a heart marked ‘fragile – easily broken’.

This morning my husband sent me a link to a song and said ‘this could have been written about you!’

Now my husband is not one for grand gestures, nor is he expressive with his feelings. And over the last 18 years, despite the fact I love the bones of him, I’ve told him I want to leave him many times out of sheer frustration that our brains are so different. Lucky for me, he’s not a quitter!

So today I listened to the song he sent me, then I listened again. And I must admit (because I’m Autistic and the meaning of words can confuse me) I had to ask my husband ‘what do you mean, why is it about me?’

And he explained that I have a low opinion
of myself, but that’s not how he sees me. And he explained that he understands I just want to be accepted (weirdness and all) rather than forced to be ‘normal’.

Then I felt a sparkly star burst of love for my husband because the song is his way of saying ‘I love you. I see you. I get you’. That means the World to me.

The song is by Fred, again. It’s called ‘Dermot (see yourself in my eyes)’.

If you love someone who has a different type of brain, go have a listen. The best gift you can ever give them is the freedom to be themselves, to make their own rules and to shine in their own unique way.

‘’And if only you could see yourself in my eyes
You’d see you shine, you shine’’

“Fall in love with someone that enjoys your weirdness
Not someone that tries to talk you into being normal”

Thanks to @fredagainagainagainagainagain
for fab lyrics and an amazing song.

4 thoughts on “Say it with a Song

  1. Liz,
    Zena died last night. It was totally unexpected and Oz and I are completely lost.
    Without her I would have never got through the the last 20 months. I will always be so grateful for her love and companionship during this time and she will always be with me.
    I didn’t know how else to contact you but wanted to say , I love you every second of every day and always will and will never understand what has happened.
    God Bless you all.
    Mum xxxxxxx

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    1. Mum I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking news. The boys will be devastated. They always talk about Zena and I know she was everything to you.

      I never want you to be sad or in pain. I love you & Austin very much.

      I don’t know how else to explain my decision without hurting you. And you are already hurting because of Zena.

      If you want answers mum look in my blog. There is my truth. My whole life I’ve felt hurt and rejected by you and of no value compared to your boys.

      I know as a mum myself that it must be so hard to hear one of your children say you’ve damaged them and mistreated them. I don’t blame you. I blame Nanny for mistreating you, I blame Grandad for turning a blind eye to your suffering and using you now like a carer with no thought to your well-being. I blame dad for abusing you for so many years and I blame the boys (not Austin) for repeatedly pulling you in then pushing you away so you were always trying to earn their love.

      I gave my love to you freely; all I ever wanted is to keep you safe and happy. I tried so hard to look after you while everyone else was taking advantage of you.

      I know I am out spoken and critical and bossy. I know my emotions are explosive and impossible to hide. But I truly believe I am a good person and I have never lied, or been vindictive, or deliberately hurt anyone.

      My sense of right and wrong is very strong like most Autistic people and I find it impossible to speak up when something isn’t right to me. Ollins said to me in an email ‘you made a big mistake choosing Julia over John and Gina over Steve’. I never chose anyone over anyone!!! I chose the kids. I chose not to just shut up and ignore the awful treatment John and Steve gave their wives. I will tell Austin if I think he needs to bloody clean up your house or Dave to man up and be a dad to Rebecca. I can’t stop being like that because that is how my brain and heart works. I can’t bear injustice and I can’t bear being a fake just to please people.

      I get you lot don’t like that about me, but that’s me and my husband and kids love me to bits. And I’m happy. I’m actually happy. I’m not fretting over your health and finances. I’m not responsible for you which was such a burden on my mental health.

      I am Autistic and Bipolar 2. I have been permanently traumatised growing up around so much violence and fear and feeling like I had to save you and the boys from him.

      I tried my best to be the daughter you wanted & deserved. But I was always so angry and blowing up at you. I hated myself for it but I also hated what you’d allowed to happen to us and I hated how you ostracised and judged me from the moment I hit puberty.

      I am sad every day that you are not in my life but you made this happen. Over the last few years I asked you repeatedly to talk about the past with me, listen to my feelings. At one point I was so thrilled as you agreed to talk but the very next day you wrote in a group text ‘I will not be talking to you, I have nothing to apologise for’.

      You gave me no choice. It was walk away or end up dead by my own hand as my brain could not cope anymore with all the hurt and rejection.

      It never had to be this way. Nick would have facilitated you having contact with the boys. But you screwed that up by attacking him because he wouldn’t take your side over mine!! You let the boys attack him in vile messages. You let Grandad cast me out like a piece of rubbish with his spiteful lies and bitter words. ALL of my brothers abandoned me over this.
      I contacted each of them at different times trying to find a way to repair the hurt and get my sons their uncles and cousins back, but they ALL ignored me and failed to reply because I am worthless to them unless I am looking after you do they don’t have to.

      You ALL want to blame me, and I can’t change that. You all refuse to look at my truth and to look at yourselves, where as all I’ve ever done is look at myself, criticise myself, seek counselling, seek therapy, give up drinking (2.5 years now). All to be a better, happier person.

      I’m happy now mum. Nick loves me so much and I love him so much. The boys are everything. We are a team and we’re stronger than ever. I miss my birth family, I miss you. But it was such a toxic, unkind family and I was just the outcast, the one who got leaned on and used but if I asked for anything back I was rejected.

      Have you seen the new Disney film Encanto? Please watch it and then ask yourself if I’m the character of Bruno. No joke. I’m fucking Bruno.

      Instead of seeing how hurt and broken I was and how much I needed you to listen you blamed me and pushed me away. Do you know how much it hurts the boys not to see Tomás? Children are innocent. You ALL chose to attack and blame me and Nick thereby making it impossible for us to trust you with our boys. The things Ollins said to Nick are beyond awful.

      Anyway look, it’s all done. I tried for 45 years to make our relationship work because I loved you so so much. But whether you want to believe it or not, you were my Nanny Joy. And unlike you, I couldn’t cope with it. I’m so vulnerable and I have serious physical health issues to manage that mean I can’t be hurt anymore. I just can’t. I’m sorry.

      I’ve told Leo about Zena. He’s very very upset he never got to say goodbye. If you could send us any photos you have I know it would mean a lot.

      Lizzy xxx

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      1. It’s ok, I’ve been able to find all my old photos and videos of Liebe and Zena. I’ve given them to Leo and he’s really pleased. I’ve ordered them German shepherd plushies too. Sorry again for your loss. Take care xxx

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